New School Policy
by Velociraptor256
Summary: The wizarding world finally figures out how to solve all of its problems in one fell swoop.


_Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters depicted therein._

**New School Policy**

Edmund Carstairs had barely slept all the previous night. After years of waiting, he was finally going to Hogwarts!

He had felt something of a pang as his parents kissed him goodbye and the train pulled out of King's Cross; but that had soon given way to excitement, and perhaps a little nervousness.

This was not simply due to leaving his family behind, but also the weight of expectation upon him. After all, he came from a successful pureblood family; there was a lot to live up to. But Edmund was an ambitious little boy, and confident of his potential magical ability. Six years from now, he would be Head Boy, and with top NEWT grades, any career he wanted would be his – perhaps a top position in the government, even higher than his father!

So when he was talking to the other first years sharing his train compartment, and the conversation turned to what house they thought they'd be in, he piped up, "I think I'll be in Slytherin, like my father."

"Slytherin?" said one boy. "I thought they changed the name to 'Death Eaters R Us'."

"Yeah," a girl jeered. "They should just put a big sign over the Slytherin common room entrance saying 'You're Going to Be Evil! Deal with It!'" Everyone except Edmund laughed.

"You're wrong!" he declared, standing to his feet and placing his hand proudly over his chest. "I shall be in Slytherin, and I shall remain a model of virtue! I shall be good and kind to all Muggle borns! I shall prove to the world that just because you're a Slytherin does not mean you have to be evil, or corrupt, or unpleasant in any way!"

The others stared at him in a moment in what Edmund initially hoped was awe – and then they burst out laughing. Edmund returned to his seat, seething, and did not join in their conversations for the rest of the journey.

He was still raging inside as the flotilla of boats took them over the lake to Hogwarts itself, but his anger simply made him more determined than ever to make his point.

Edmund's train of thought was interrupted however, when he followed Professor McGonagall into the Great Hall, and realised that there were only three student tables there. How could that be? Surely the prejudice against Slytherins didn't extend to the Hogwarts staff?

By the time it was his turn to sit on the stool and put on the Sorting Hat, he knew exactly what to do.

The Hat's voice began murmuring in his ear. "Alright, let's see now…"

"Put me in Slytherin!" Edmund thought as forcefully as he could.

"Are you sure?" The Hat sounded surprised. "Certainly, there's plenty of ambition in your head, but you might want to…"

"I've never been more sure about anything in my life!" Edmund replied. "I want to go into Slytherin!"

If the Hat had shoulders, it would have shrugged. "Suit yourself. SLYTHERIN!"

Edmund took off the Hat to scattered applause, not noticing the forced smiles and shifty eyes of his fellow students, and turned to Professor McGonagall at the staff table.

"Right, I can't help but notice that there doesn't appear to be a Slytherin table. Where do I go?"

"The Slytherins eat in that room over there," McGonagall replied, pointing to a side door.

Edmund stood up straight like a stout politician, and fixed his stare upon McGonagall. "Well, personally, I am ashamed, Professor! I knew there might be some prejudice among my fellow students after recent unfortunate events, but I never expected it to be so blatant from the teachers!"

McGonagall, never one to be outdone in a staring contest, was unfazed. "Carstairs, kindly stop making a scene and go join your housemates in the other room."

"Oh, I'll go," said Edmund, marching towards the door, "but you haven't heard the last of this, Professor! I shall lead my new Slytherin comrades in revolution; we shall work together to reverse popular opinion of ourselves…" - he opened the door - "…and I promise you that by this time next year, there will be four tables in the Hogwarts Great Hall once again!"

With that, Edmund walked into the room and slammed the door shut, confident that he had made a sufficiently dramatic impact.

He turned to look into the room, but there was no table of Slytherins waiting to greet him. In fact, the room was entirely bare.

A voice to his right yelled, "OBLIVIATE!"

Edmund's eyes rolled back into his head as eleven years' worth of memories were wiped away in an instant. But he had no time to reflect on the fact that he could no longer remember his own name, as the hidden Auror shouted "STUPEFY!" and he knew no more.

* * *

With the Welcoming Feast concluded and the students on their way to their respective common rooms, Minerva McGonagall walked into the 'Slytherin' room. She found Derek Goodge, representative of the Muggle Liaison Office, supervising the loading of eight unconscious first-year students onto stretchers.

"All went very smoothly, Professor," he said briskly. "None of them were harmed. We'll have them introduced into the Muggle foster care system by tomorrow."

"Of course," said McGonagall, forcing a polite smile. "But I can't help but feel that this approach is rather harsh."

"But the Minister is right, Professor," said Goodge. "All of the problems with our society can be traced back to Slytherin! Not just the Death Eaters, but just about all the corrupt and incompetent Ministry employees that Mr Shacklebolt has spent years weedling out were former Slytherins! You hear the softer folk blathering on about how they're not all bad, how there's some good hidden away among the nastier ones, but let's face it, Professor – it's a thinly veiled sentiment!"

McGonagall sighed. "So Kingsley is certain that our society will benefit if we take any student who is sorted into Slytherin, wipe their memories of being wizards, and give them false memories of Muggle lives so that they may live forever as Muggles?"

"We're saving ourselves a whole heap of trouble in the future, Professor," said Goodge solemnly. "Come on, it's not like we're killing them."

"What about their families?"

"They were given the option of agreeing to never use magic around their children again in the event that they were sorted into Slytherin. None of them were willing."

Realising the truth in Goodge's words, McGonagall sighed again as Edmund's body – soon to be that of Clarence Trotter, resident of Clitheroe, Lancashire, and future insurance salesman - was levitated past her.

"I suppose Hogwarts is the only magical school in the world considerate enough to put every potentially evil student into a single house. We might as well stop fooling ourselves and take advantage of it."


End file.
